Etai no shirenai fukitsu na katamari ga watashi no kokoro o shijuu osae tsukete ita. Shousou to iou ka, ken'o to iou ka, sake o nonda ato ni futsukayoi ga aru you ni, sake o mainichi nonde iru to, shukusui ni soutou shita jiki ga yattekuru. Sore ga kita no da. Kore wa chotto ikenakatta. Kekka shita haisenkataru ya shinkei suijaku ga ikenai no dewa nai. Mata se o yaku you na shakkin nado ga ikenai no dewa nai. Ikenai no wa sono fukitsu na katamari da. Izen watashi o yorokobaseta donna utsukushii ongaku mo, donna utsukushii shi no issetsu mo shinbou ga naranaku natta. Chikuonki o kikasetemorai ni wazawaza dekakete itte mo, saisho no nisan shousetsu de fui ni tachiagatte shimaitakunaru. Nanika ga watashi o itatamarazu saseru no da. Sore de shijuu watashi wa machi kara machi o furou shitsuzuketeita.

Naze da ka sono koro watashi wa misuborashikute utsukushii mono ni tsuyoku hikitsukerarete ita no o oboete iru. Fuukei ni shite mo koware kakatta machi da toka, sono machi ni shite mo yosoyososhii omotedoori yori mo dokoka shitashimi no aru, kitanai sentakumono ga hoshite attari garakuta ga korogashite attari musakurushii heya ga nozoite itari suru uradoori ga suki de atta. Ame ya kaze ga mushibande yagate tsuchi ni kaette shimau, to itta you na omomuki no aru machi de, dobei ga kuzurete itari, ienami ga katamukikakatte itari, ikioi no ii no wa shokubutsu dake de, toki to suru to bikkuri saseru you na himawari ga attari, kanna ga saite itari suru.

Tokidoki watashi wa sonna michi o aruki nagara, futo, soko ga Kyouto dewa nakute, Kyouto kara nanbyakuri mo hanareta Sendai toka, Nagasaki toka, sono you na shi e, ima jibun ga kite iru no da to iu sakkaku o okosou to tsutomeru. Watashi wa dekiru koto nara Kyouto kara nigedashite dare hitori shiranai you na shi e, itteshimaitakatta. Dai ichi ni ansei. Garan to shita ryokan no isshitsu. Seijou na futon. Nioi no ii kaya to, nori no yoku kiita yukata. Sokode hitotsuki hodo nani mo omowazu yoko ni naritai. Negawaku wa koko ga itsu no ma nika sono shi ni natte iru no dattara. Sakkaku ga youyaku seikou shi hajimeru to, watashi wa sore kara sore e souzou no enogu o nuritsukete yuku. Nan no koto wa nai. Watashi no sakkaku to kowarekakatta machi to no nijuu utsushi de aru. Soshite watashi wa sono naka ni genjitsu no watashijishin o miushinau no o tanoshinda.

Watashi wa mata ano hanabi to iu yatsu ga suki ni natta. Hanabi sonomono wa dainidan to shite, ano yasuppoi enogu de aka ya murasaki ya ki ya ao ya, samazama na shimamoyou o motta hanabi no taba, Nakayamadera no hoshi kudari, hana kassen, kare susuki. Sore kara nezumihanabi to iu nowa hitotsu zutsu wa ni natteite, hako ni tsumete aru. Sonna mono ga hen ni watashi no kokoro o sosotta. Sore kara mata, biidoro to iu irogarasu de tai ya hana o uchidashite aru ohajiki ga suki ni natta shi, nankindama ga suki ni natta. Mata sore o nametemiru no ga watashi ni totte nantomo ienai kyouraku datta no da. Ano biidoro no aji hodo kasuka na suzushii aji ga aru mono ka. Watashi wa osanai toki yoku sore o kuchi ni irete wa fubo ni shikarareta mono da ga, sono youji no amai kioku ga ookiku natte ochibureta watashi ni yomigaette kuru sei darou ka, mattaku ano aji niwa kasuka na sawayaka na nantonaku shibi to itta you na mikaku ga tadayottekuru.

Sasshi wa tsuku darou ga watashi niwa marude kane ga nakatta. Towa ie sonna mono o mite sukoshi demo kokoro no ugokikaketa toki no watashi jishin o nagusameru tame niwa zeitaku to iu koto ga hitsuyou de atta. Nisen ya sansen no mono to itte zeitaku na mono. Utsukushii mono to itte mukiryoku na watashi no shokkaku ni mushiro kobitekuru mono. Sou itta mono ga shizen watashi o nagusameru no da.

Seikatsu ga mada mushibamarete inakatta izen, watashi no suki de atta tokoro wa, tatoeba Maruzen de atta. Aka ya ki no OODOKORON ya OODOKININ. Shareta kirikozaiku ya tenga na ROKOKO shumi no ukimoyou o motta kohaku iro ya hisui iro no kousuibin. Kiseru, kogatana, sekken, tabako. Watashi wa sonna mono o miru no ni koichijikan mo tsuiyasu koto ga atta. Soshite kekkyoku ittou ii enpitsu o ippon kau kurai no zeitaku o suru no datta. Shikashi koko mo mou sonokoro no watashi ni totte wa omokurushii basho ni suginakatta. Shoseki, gakusei, kanjoudai, korera wa mina shakkintori no bourei no you ni watashi niwa mieru no de atta.

Aru asa sono koro watashi wa kou no tomodachi kara otsu no tomodachi e to iu fuu ni tomodachi no geshuku o tenten to shite kurashiteita no da ga tomodachi ga gakkou e deteshimatta ato no kuukyo na kuuki no naka ni potsunen to hitori torinokosareta. Watashi wa mata soko kara samayoi denakereba naranakatta. Nani ka ga watashi o oitateru. Soshite machi kara machi e, saki ni itta you na uradoori o aruitari, dagashiya no mae de tachidomattari, kanbutsuya no hoshiebi ya boudara ya yuba o nagametari, toutou watashi wa Nijou no hou e Teramachi o sagari, soko no kudamonoya de ashi o tometa. Kokode chotto sono kudamonoya o shoukai shitai no da ga, sono kudamonoya wa watashi no shitteita han'i de mottomo sukina mise de atta. Soko wa kesshite rippa na mise dewa nakatta no da ga, kudamonoya koyuu no utsukushisa ga mottomo rokotsu ni kanzerareta. Kudamono wa kanari koubai no kyuu na dai no ue ni narabeteatte, sono dai to iu no mo furubita kuroi urushinuri no ita datta you ni omoeru. Nanika hanayaka na utsukushii ongaku no ARREGURO no nagare ga, miru hito o ishi ni kashita to iu GORUGON no kimen teki na mono o sashitsukerarete, anna shikisai anna VORIUMU ni korikatamatta to iu fuu ni kudamono wa narandeiru. Aomono mo yahari okue yukeba yuku hodo uzutakaku tsumareteiru. Jissai asoko no ninjin ba no utsukushisa nado wa subarashikatta. Sore kara mizu ni tsukete aru mame da toka kuwai da toka.

Mata soko no ie no utsukushii nowa yoru datta. Teramachi doori wa ittai ni nigiyaka na toori de to itte kanji wa Toukyou ya Oosaka yori wa zutto sunde iru ga kazarimado no hikari ga obitadashiku gairo e nadare deteiru. Sore ga doushita wake ka sono tentou dake myou ni kurai no da. Motomoto katahou wa kurai Nijoudoori ni sesshite iru machikado ni natte iru no de, kurai nowa touzen de atta ga, sono rinka ga Teramachidoori ni aru ie nimo kakawarazu kurakatta no ga hakkiri shinai. Shikashi sono ie ga kurakunakattara, anna nimo watashi o yuuwaku suru niwa itaranakatta to omou. Mou hitotsu wa sono ie no uchidashita hisashi nano da ga, sono hisashi ga mabuka ni kabutta boushi no hisashi no you ni kore wa keiyou to iu yori mo, "Oya, asoko no mise wa boushi no hisashi o yake ni sagete iru zo" to omowaseru hodo nanode, hisashi no ue wa kore mo makkura na no da. Sou shuui ga makkura na tame, tentou ni tsukerareta ikutsu mo no dentou ga shuuu no you ni abisekakeru kenran wa, shuui no nanimono nimo ubawareru koto naku, hoshii mama ni mo utsukushii nagame ga terashidasarete iru no da. Hadaka no dentou ga hosonagai rasenbou o kirikiri me no naka e sashikonde kuru ourai ni tatte, mata kinjo ni aru kagiya no nikai no garasumado o sukashite nagameta kono kudamonoten no nagame hodo, sono tokidoki no watashi o kyougaraseta mono wa teramachi no naka demo mare datta.

Sono hi, watashi wa itsu ni naku sono mise de kaimono o shita. To iu nowa sono mise niwa mezurashii remon ga deteita no da. Remon nado goku arifureteiru. Ga sono mise to iu nomo, misuborashikunai made mo, tada atarimae no yaoya ni suginakatta no de, soremade amari mikaketa koto wa nakatta. Ittai watashi wa ano remon ga suki da. Remon'erou no enogu o chuubu kara shiboridashite katameta you na ano tanjun na iro mo, sore kara ano take no tsumatta bousui gata no kakkou mo. Kekkyoku watashi wa sore o hitotsu dake kau koto ni shita. Sore kara no watashi wa doko e dou aruita no darou. Watashi wa nagai aida machi o aruiteita. Shijuu watashi no kokoro o osaetsuketeita fukitsu na katamari ga sore o nigitta shunkan kara ikura ka yurundekita to miete, watashi wa machi no ue de hijou ni koufuku de atta. Anna ni shitsukokatta yuutsu ga, sonna mono no ikka de magirasareru aruiwa fushin na koto ga, gyakusetsu-teki na hontou de atta. Sore ni shite mo kokoro to iu yatsu wa nan to iu fukashigi na yatsu darou.

Sono remon no tsumetasa wa tatoeyou mo naku yokatta. Sono koro watashi wa haisen o waruku shite ite, itsumo karada ni netsu ga deta. Jijitsu tomodachi no darekare ni watashi no netsu o misebirakasu tame ni te no nigiriai nado o shite miru no da ga, watashi no te no hira ga dare no yori mo atsukatta. Sono atsui sei datta no darou, nigitteiru te no hira kara miuchi ni shimitootte yuku you na sono tsumetasa wa kokoro yoi mono datta.

Watashi wa nando mo nando mo sono kajitsu o hana ni motte itte wa kaide mita. Sore no sanchi da to iu KARIFORUNIYA ga souzou ni nobottekuru. Kanbun de naratta "Baikansha no gen" no naka ni kaiteatta "Hana o utsu" to iu kotoba ga kiregire ni ukandekuru. Soshite fukabuka to mune ippai ni nioyaka na kuuki o suikomeba, tsuizo mune ippai ni kokyuu shita koto no nakatta watashi no karada ya kao niwa nukui chi no hotobori ga nobottekite nandaka miuchi ni genki ga mezametekita no datta. …

Jissai anna tanjun na reikaku ya shokkaku ya kyuukaku ya shikaku ga, zutto mukashi kara kore bakari sagashiteita no da to iitakunatta hodo watashi ni shikkuri shita nante, watashi wa fushigi ni omoeru -- sore ga ano koro no koto nan da kara.--

Watashi wa ourai o koufun ni hazunde, isshu hokorakana kimochi sae kanji nagara, biteki shouzoku o shite machi o kappo shita shijin no koto nado omoi ukabete wa aruiteita. Yogoreta tenugui no ue e nosetemitari, manto no ue e ategatte mitari shite, iro no han'ei o hakattari, mata konna koto o omottari,

--tsumari wa kono omosa nanda na.--

kono omosa koso tsunezune tazune agunde ita mono de, utagai mo naku kono omosa wa subete no yoi mono subete no utsukushii mono o juuryou ni kansan shite kita omosa de aru toka, omoiagatta kaigyakushin kara sonna bakageta koto o kangaete mitari nani ga sate watashi wa koufuku datta no da.

Doko o dou aruita no darou, watashi ga saigo ni tatta nowa Maruzen no maedatta. Heijou anna ni saketeita Maruzen ga sono toki no watashi niwa yasuyasu to haireru you ni omoeta.

"Kyou wa hitotsu haitte yarou" soshite watashi wa zukazuka haitte itta.

Shikashi doushita koto darou, watashi no kokoro o mitashiteita koufuku na kanjou wa dandan nigete itta. Kousui no bin nimo kiseru nimo watashi no kokoro wa noshikakatte wa yukanakatta. Yuutsu ga tachikometekuru, watashi wa arukimawatta hirou ga detekita noda to omotta. Watashi wa gahon no tana no mae e ittemita. Gashuu no omotai no o toridasu no sae tsune ni mashite chikara ga iruna! to omotta. Shikashi watashi wa issatsu zutsu nukidashite wa miru, soshite akete wa miru no da ga, kokumei ni hagutteyuku kimochi wa sara ni waitekonai. Shikamo norowareta koto niwa mata tsugi no issatsu o nukidashitekuru. Sore mo onaji koto da. Sorede ite ichido barabara to yatte minakutewa ki ga sumanai no da. Sore ijou wa tamaranakunatte soko e oite shimau. Izen no ichi e modosu koto sae dekinai. Watashi wa ikudo mo sore o kurikaeshita. Toutou oshimai niwa higoro kara daisuki datta anguru no daidai iro no omoi hon made nao issou no taegatasa no tame ni oite shimatta. Nan to iu norowareta koto da. Te no kinniku ni hirou ga nokotte iru. Watashi wa yuutsu ni natte shimatte, Jibun ga nuita mama tsumikasaneta hon no mure o nagameteita.

Izen niwa anna ni watashi o hikitsuketa gahon ga doushita koto darou. ichimai ichimai ni me o sarashi owatte nochi, sate amari ni jinjou na Shuui o mimawasu toki no ano hen ni soguwanai kimochi o, watashi wa izen niwa kononde ajiwatte ita mono de atta. …

"A, souda souda" sono toki watashi wa tamoto no naka no remon o omoidashita. Hon no shikisai o gochagocha ni tsumiagete, ichido kono remon de tameshitemita da. "Souda"

Watashi ni mata sakihodo no karoyaka na koufun ga kaettekita. Watashi wa teatari shidai ni tsumiage, mata awatadashiku tsubushi, mata awatadashiku kizukiageta. Atarashiku hikinuite tsukekuwaetari, torisattari shita. Kikai na gensou-teki na shiro ga, sono tabi ni akaku nattari aoku nattari shita.

Yatto sore wa dekiagatta. Soshite karuku odoriagaru kokoro o seishinagara, sono jouheki no itadaki ni osoruosoru remon o suetsuketa. Soshite sore wa joudeki datta.

Miwatasu to, sono remon no shikisai wa gachagacha shita iro no kaichou o hissori to bousuikei no karada no naka e kyuushuushite shimatte, kaunto sae kakatteita. Watashi wa hokorippoi Maruzen no naka no kuuki ga, sono remon no shuui dake hen ni kinchou shite iru you na ki ga shita. Watashi wa shibaraku sore o nagameteita.

Fui ni dai-ni no AIDEA ga okotta. Sono kimyou na takurami wa mushiro watashi o gyotto saseta.

Sore o sonomama ni shite oite watashi wa, nanikuwanu kao o shite soto e deru.

Watashi wa hen ni kusuguttai kimochi ga shita. "Deteikou ka naa. sou da deteikou" soshite watashi wa sutasuta deteitta.

Hen ni kusuguttai kimochi ga machi no ue no watashi o hohoemaseta. Maruzen no tana e koganeiro ni kagayaku osoroshii bakudan o shikaketekita kikai na akkan ga watashi de, mou juppungo niwa ano Maruzen ga bijutsu no tana o chuushin to shite daibakuhatsu o suru no dattara donna ni omoshiroi darou.

Watashi wa kono souzou o nesshin ni tsuikyuu shita. Soushitara ano kizumari na Maruzen mo koppamijin darou."

Soshite watashi wa katsudou shashin no kanban ga kikai na omomuki de machi o irodotte iru Kyougoku o kudatte itta.

(2006. 9. 9)