Byouki ga sukoshi yokunari, nenagara hon o yomu koto ga dekiru you ni natta toki, saisho ni te ni shita mono wa ryokouki de atta. Izen kara ryokouki wa suki datta ga, suki na wari niwa dorehodo mo yonde inakatta. Hito to hanashiatte mite mo ryokouki wa igai yomareteizu, sukunakutomo arushu no zuishitsu nado to wa kurabemono niwa naranu you de atta. Jibun ni totte shougai kankei no arisou nimo nai tochi no kikou nado kyoumi mo nashi, yonde mita tokorode zenzen shiranu tochi ga ikiikito kanzerareru you na fude wa mare da shi, aru natsukashisa kara souyuu no chi ni kanshita mono o yomu ga, sore wa mata kocchi ga shitteiru dake ni ARA ga me ni tsuku, sou iu no ga kyoutsuu no iken de aru you datta. Watashijishin mo kikou no tagui o kakinagara, kou iu mono o ittai dare ga yomu darou, sou omotte jishin o ushinatta oboe ga aru. Sore ga kondo nagaku netsuite, dare yori mo nesshin na ryokouki no dokusha wa byounin ni chigainai to iu koto o shinzuru you ni natta.

Watashi wa Mamiya Rinsou o yomi Matsuura Takeshirou o yomi, Sugae Masumi o yonda. GEETE o yomi, SHIIBORUTO o yomi, SUWEN-HEDJIN o yonda. Meiji igo no bunjin no mono wa dare kare o towazu, ie ni aru mono o sandoku shita. Soushite ikura mo nai sorera no hon ga tsukite shimau to, chirinogaku no zasshi o makuramoto ni narabesaseta. Watashi wa chirinogaku no zasshi o nannen mo mae kara keizoku shite totteite, imamade wa tada kasanete aru dake datta ga, kono kikai ni korera no peeji o manzen to kurihirogete iru to, kore ijou no tanoshimi wa nai you ni omowarete kita.

Sore no chikagoro no gou ni aru hakushi no Karafuto ryokoudan ga rensai sareteite sore ga watashi niwa omoshirokatta. Sono naka no zetsumetsu sen to shitsutsu aru Karafuto OOYAMANEKO no hanashi, to iu no ga tsuyoku watashi no kuusou o shigeki shita. Karafuto no ooyamaneko wa Meiji yonjuu ichi nen, Taishou gan nen, Shouwa go nen, no sando hokaku sareta ga, sore igo wa zetsumetsu shita mono to omowareteita. Sore ga Shouwa juuroku nen no ni gatsu ni natte, mata mo Noda to iu tokoro ni torawareta. Kono toki no yatsu wa mesu datta. Ryoushi ga ryouken o sashimukeru to gyaku ni inu no hou ga oimakurarete shimatta. Ryoushi ga odoroite teppou o kamaeru to, ooyamaneko wa ikinari ki no ue kara shita no ryoushi megakete shouben o hikkaketa to iu no de aru. Watashi wa kono kantan na kiji o kurikaeshi yomi, sounyuu sareteiru ooyamaneko no shashin o akazu nagameta. Shashin no ooyamaneko wa Meiji Taishou no koro ni hokaku sareta mono no hakusei de, kaotsuki nado jitsubutsu to wa marude chigatte shimatte iru to iu. Ga, soredemo kuma o mo taosu to iwareru seikansa, doumousa wa ukagawarenu koto wa nakatta. Atama to dou to de ichi meetoru ni chikaku, keiro wa akami o obita haiiro de, enkei no anshoku hanmon ga chirabatte iru to iu. Ke wa nagaku wa nai ga, ika nimo mossari to atsui kanji da. Kuchi wa hoho made mo sakekete isou da. Hoho niwa hitotaba no ke ga fusa no you ni muragatteiru. Hige wa shiroku futoi.-- shikashi sono doumousa o ichiban ni katatte isou na no wa, shinayakana marutabou to demo iitai you na sono shishi datta. Ashi wa ue ga futoku, ashikubi ni itaru ni shitagatte hosoku naru to iu no ga nanini kagirazu futsuu darou. Ashikubi no futoi mono wa koudou no binkatsu o kaku nado to mo iwarete iru. Tokoroga ooyamaneko no shishi wa ue kara shita made ga hotondo onaji futosa de, shikamo doutai ni kurabete osoroshiku futoku katsu nagai. Sore ga sukoshi mo doujuu na kan o ataenu bakari ka, danryoku aru kyoumou na chikara o kanjisaseru. Kare wa kouiu shishi o motte hotondo oto mo sasezu ni aruku. Soshite sono ashiyubi no kage niwa kuma no goumou o saemo hikisakubeki, kamisori no you na kagidume ga kakusareteiru.

Watashi wa kouiu hyoukan na yatsu ga, me o RANRAN to hikarasete, karafuto no mitsurin no naka o houkou shite iru sugata o souzou shita. Karafuto zendo ni mohaya ittou iruka nitou iruka wakaranai, zetsumetsu ni hinshite iru, ichizoku no saigo no mono nanode aru. Nan to iu kodoku de arou! shikashi soko niwa kodoku ni tsukimatou wabishigena kage wa mijin mo nai. Aru mono wa tada gouzen taru kigurai de aru. Manmantaru toushi de aru. Kare wa ikanaru baai nimo mori no ooja taru no kigurai o ushinawanai. Banbutsu no reichou taru ningen ga, teppou o sashimuketa toki, kare wa nigenakatta. Sono saidai no buki taru kagizume o toide shoumen kara tachimukau koto sae mo shinakatta. Kare wa ningen no zujou kara, atoashi o mochiagete shouben o hikkakeru ni todomatta no de aru! teppou o motta ningen nado wa kare ni totte sono teido no mono ni shika ataishinakatta no de aru.

Watashi wa omowazu hagan shita. OOYAMANEKO wa kodoku na byousha de aru watashi ni saidai no nagusame o ataeta. Watashi wa rin to shita, hikishimatta kanji o uketa. Hotondo seishinteki na kandou to sae itte yokatta.

Onaji kiji no naka ni azarashijima no OTTOSEI no hanashi mo dete ite, kore wa ooyamaneko to wa zenzen seihantai na, umeyo fuseyo no kyokuchi datta. Koko ni aru mono wa seishoku no tame no chidarake na kakutou datta. Watashi wa itsuka eiga de OTTOSEI no gunsei o mita koto ga aru. Hire no you na teashi de BATABATA haneru kakkou ya, byougyuu no tooboe no you na koe o omoidasu uchi ni hontou ni outo o moyooshite kita. Otto to iu you na moji sono mono, HAAREMU to iu gokan sono mono ga, taegatakui yarashikatta.

OOYAMANEKO ni kandou shite mada ikunichi mo tatanu uchi ni, ikkai no noraneko ni suginu ga, sono kyogou na fuukaku ni oite, ichimyaku aitsuujiru tokoro no aru yatsu ga wagaya no naigai ni shutsubotsu suru koto ni natta nowa yukai datta.

Kono nisannen rai, ie no mawari o urouro suru inu ya neko ga medatte fuete kita. Ningen no shokuryou jijou ga oyoboshita eikyou no hitotsu de aru koto wa iu made mo nai. Umarenagara no yadonashi mo aru ga, saikin made shujin mochi de atta to iu mono mo ooi. Karera wa jitsuni hidoku obane uchikarashite iru. Katsute shujin mochi de atta mono ga kotoni hidoi. Inu to neko to dewa inu no hou ga hidoi. Yousuru ni ningen ni hetsuratte kurasu koto ni narete kita mono hodo ochiburekata ga mijime nano de aru. Karera wa GOMItame o asari ni yatte kuru ga, mohaya sono GOMItame to iu mono sae mo ningen no ie niwa nai no de aru. Soredemo karera wa mainichi konkiyoku yatte kite wa niwasaki ya daidokoroguchi o urouro suru. Ikegaki no sumi wa ikura fusaidemo kanarazu itsu no ma nika ana ni naru. Hyakudo nerau uchi niwa ichido gurai wa daidokoro no mono o kuwaekomu koto ga dekiru to omotteiru no darou. Sore ni karera wa aki no hi no hinatabokko to iu koto mo arurashii. Karera o ichiban nikundeiru nowa haha de atta. Niwa no hatakedukuri wa haha no shigoto de ari, karera wa hatake o fumiasu kara de aru.

Watashi wa sono koro ichinichi ni juugofun gurai wa niwa ni derareru you ni natteita. Watashi mo niwa ni dete karera o miru koto wa kirai datta. Watashi wa waketemo inu o sukanai. Shujin mochi de ita toki niwa, sono ie no mae o tootta to iu dake de hoetsuita koto mo aru yatsu ga, ima wa samo narenareshige ni o nado futte chikaduite kuru. Sore de ite taezu kocchi no kaoiro o ukagatteiru. Kocchi no mugon no tekii o kanzuru to, o o petatto shiri no aida ni hasande, yorokeru you ni nigete yuku. Soushite kusatta ochigaki nado o kutteiru. Neko wa karera hodo hikutsu dewa nai ga KOSOdoro ijou ni duuduushiku natte shimatta. Ningen ga iru koto nado wa heiki de ie no naka o nerau. Tatami no ue ni ashiato o tsukete heya o kakenukeru. Mukashi o omoidashite ka zabuton no ue ni nagamatte itari suru. Sono kuse ningen no me o miru to kanarazu nigeru.

Sonna toki ni kayatsu ga arawareta no da.

Soyatsu no zenshin wa dare mo shiranakatta. Ookina, kuroi osuneko de aru. Zara ni iru neko no ichibaihan no ookisa wa aru. Igen no aru, jitsuni doudou taru kao o shiteiru. O wa mijikai. Arukisaru ushirosugata o miru to, sono mijikai o no shita ni, shiri no aida ni, ikanimo korikori' to shita kanji no, nanika no mi no you na ookina kogan ga futatsu, burabura shinai hikishitta fuu ni narande ite, ikanimo dansei no shouchou to iu kanji de atta. Ketten o ieba tada hitotsu, ke no iro datta. Sore ga shikkoku de attara taishita mono darou. Shikashi zannen nagara kuroneko to wa itte mo, haiiro gakatta usugitanaku yogoreta you na kuro de atta. Sono iro o miru to, yahari noraneko ni narisagaru unmei ni shika nakatta ka to omowaseru.

Kare wa kesshite ningen o osoreru koto o shinakatta. Ningen to mashoumen ni shisen ga attemo nigenakatta. Ie no naka ni haitte kiwa shinakatta ga, tatoeba nikai no mado chikaku isu o yosete neteiru watashi no sugu atama no yane no ue ni kite, watashi no kao o jirorito mite kara, jibun mo soko no hinata ni yuttari to nagamattari suru. Watashi no kimochi o nomikonde shimatteiru no demo arurashii. Itsudemo omoomoshiku yukkuri to aruku. Dokode kutteiru no ka, ueteiru ni chigai nakarou ga, gatsugatsu shite iru fuu mo mienai. Daidokoro no mono nado mo nerawanu rashii.

"Iyani doudou to shita yatsu da naa." to watashi wa kanshin shita."Nani mo torareta koto wa nai kai? "

"Iie, mada nani mo." to ie no mono wa kotaeta.

"Tama niwa nanika kuwasete yare yo." to watashi wa itta. Yo ga yo nara, katte yattemo ii to sae omotta.

Kyouri no machi no hito ga joukyou no tsuideni shiosake o motte kite kureta hi no yoru de atta. Hisashiburi ni shiobiki o yaku nioi ga daidokoro ni komotta. Mayonaka ni watashi wa shita no souzoushii monooto ni me o samashita. Haha mo tsuma mo okite daidokoro ni iru koe ga suru. Mamonaku tsuma ga atte kita.

"Nan da? "

"Neko nan desu. Daidokoro ni oshikonde "

"Datte tojimari wa shikkari shite aru n darou? "

"En no shita kara, ageita o oshiagete haitta n desu."

"Nani ka torareta kai? "

"Ee, nani mo torarenakatta kere do. Choudo obaasan ga okita toki datta node."

"Neko wa doitsu dai? "

"Sore ga wakaranai no. Ano toraneko ja nai ka to omou n da keredo."

Urotsuiteiru neko wa ookatta kara dore tomo kimeru koto wa dekinakatta. Shikashi kuroneko ni kengi o kakeru mono wa dare mo nakatta.

Tsugi no ban mo onaji you na sawagi ga atta.

Sore de haha to tsuma to wa ageita no ue ni kanari ookina tsukemonoishi o agete oku koto ni shita. Tokoroga neko wa sono ban, sono tsukemonoishi sae mo osoraku wa atama de tsukiagete shinnyuu shita no de aru. Haha ga tonde itta toki niwa, sude ni kare no sugata wa nakatta. Watashi wa "Shin'ya no kaitou" nado to nadukete omoshiroigatte ita. Shikashi haha to tsuma to wa sore dokoro dewa nakatta. Nani yori mo hanahadashii suimin no bougai datta.

Soko de saisho ni, hannin no utagai o, ano kuroneko ni kakehajimeta no wa haha de atta. Are hodo ookina ishi o tsukiagete shinnyuu shite kuru hodo no mono wa youi naranu chikara no mochinushi de aru. Sore wa ano kuroneko igai dewa nai, to haha wa kakushin o motte iu no de aru.

Sore wa tashika ni ri ni atta shuchou datta. Shikashi tou no kuroneko o miru toki, watashi wa hanshin hangi datta. Maiban sonna koto ga aru sono aida ni, hiru niwa kuroneko wa itsumo to sukoshi mo kawaranu sugata o ie no shuui ni miseteiru no de aru. Doko kara doko made kare niwa sukoshi mo kawatta tokoro ga nakatta. Yoru no hannin ga kare da to shite wa, kare wa amari nimo heiki sugita, amari nimo yuuyuu to shisugite ita. Watashi wa aru sokoi o kometa me de jiitto shoumen kara mite yatta ga, kare wa dokofuku kaze to itta fuu de atta.

Shikashi haha wa yuzuranakatta.

Aru ban, daidokoro ni ookina monooto ga shita. Tsuma wa odoroite tobiokite kakeorite itta. Itsumo yori wa hageshii monooto ni watashi mo pnpwazu kikimimi o tateta. Oto wa hajime daidokoro de shi, sore kara tonari no furoba ni utsutta. Mono no ochiru oto, tentou suru oto no naka ni haha to tsuma no sakebu koe ga shite ita.

Yagate oto wa shidumatta.

"Mou daijoubu. Ato wa watashi ga suru kara anta wa mou nenasai."

"Daijoubu desu ka? "

"Daijoubu tomo. Ikura koitsu demo kono nawa wa doumo dekiya shimai. Konban wa maa kou shite okou yareyare tonda hitosawagase da."

Haha no warau koe ga kikoeta.

Tsuma ga kokoromochi aozameta kao o shite agatte kita.

"Toutou tsukamaemashita yo."

"Sou ka, doitsu datta? "

"Yappari, ano kuroneko nan desu."

"Hee, sou ka "

"Obaasan ga furoba ni oshikonde, bou de tatakitsukete, hirumu tokoro o totte osaeta n desu. Taihen deshita yo abarete erai chikara nan desu mono."

"Sou darou, aitsu nara. Shikashi souka naa, yappashi aitsu datta ka naa "

Neko wa furoba ni shibaritsukerarete iru to iu. Haha wa jibun de ii you ni suru kara to itte iru to iu. Wakai mono niwa te o tsukesasetagaranai no daga, sou de nakutemo tsuma nado wa osoroshigatte shimatte iru. Aki no yo wa mou kanari hieeru koro de atta. Tsuma wa samusou ni mata nedoko ni haitta.

Watashi wa sugu niwa nemurenakatta. Yahari kayatsu de atta to iu koto ga watashi o nemurasenakatta. Sou igai datta to iu ki mo shinakatta shi, uragirareta to iu ki mo shinakatta. Nandaka tsuukai na you na warai no komiagetekuru you na kimochi datta. Sore wa kare no daitanfutekisa ni taisuru tanshou de atta kamo shirenai. Sou ieba kayatsu wa hajimekara owarimade nakigoe hitotsu tatenakatta ja nai ka. Watashi wa ima hajimete sono koto ni kiduita. Sugushita no furoba ni kataku imashimerarete iru kare o souzou shita. Haha wa mou ne ni itte shimatteiru. Furoba kara wa koe mo KATARI to no monooto mo shinakatta. Nigeta no dewa naika to omowareru hodo de atta.

Yokuasa haha wa furoba kara hikizuri dashite ura no tachiki ni shibaritsuketa.

"Okaasan wa dou suru tsumori nan da? "

"Muron korosu tsumori deshou. Wakai mono wa miru mono de nai to itte, watashi o yosetsukenai you ni nasaru n desu."

Watashi wa haha ni kuroneko no inochigoi o shite miyouka to omotta. Watashi wa kare wa sore ni ataisuru yatsu da to omotta. Watashi wa kare no hetsurawanu kogou ni hikarete iru. Yoru are dake no koto o shite, hiruma wa kesuji hodo mo sono soburi o misenu, kocchi no shisen ni mijin mo tajiroganu, duuduushii to iu ijou no kimo no futosa dake demo inochigoi o sareru shikaku ga aru yatsu da to omotta. Ningen naraba touzen ikkoku ichijou no aruji de aru yatsu da. Sore ga noraneko ni natte iru no wa unmei no itazura da. Ke no iro ga kitanai to iu guuzen ga kare no unmei o shihai shita no de, sonna koto wa kare no shitta koto dewa nai. Iyashii hetsurai mushi no nakama ga atatakai nedoko to kuumono o ataerarete, kare no you na yatsu ga suterareta to iu koto wa ningen no fumeiyo de sae aru. Shikamo kare wa ochiburetemo kesshite hikutsu ni naranai. KOSOKOSO to daidokoro o ukagattari shinai. Doudou to yashuu o kankou shite, chikara no kagiri tatakatte toraerareru ya mohaya jitabata sezu, ne mo agenu no de aru.

Shikashi watashi wa haha ni mukatte iidasenakatta. Genjitsu no seikatsu no naka dewa watashi no sonna kangae nado wa, byounin no zeitaku ni suginakatta. Watashi wa kono haru nimo haha to chotto shita shoutotsu o shita koto ga atta. Watashi no shakuya no niwa niwa, kashiwa ya momiji ya sakura ya bashou ya, sonna suuhon no tachiki ga aru. Haru kara aoba no sourou ni kakete, sorera no tachiki no sugata wa utsukushiku, watashi wa sorera ga mieru okoro e made byoushou o utsushite tanoshinde ita. Sore o arutoki haha ga sorera no tachiki no edaeda o, oshige mo naku miru mo muzan na made ni kariharai, aru ki no gotoki wa, hotondo marubouzu ni sarete shimatta no da. Watashi wa okotta. Soshite sugu ni kokoro de ayamatta. Haha tote mo tachiki o aisanu no dewa nai. Jumoku no bi o kaisanu no dewa nai. Tada haha wa jibun ga tsukutteiru saien ni youkou o megumanakereba naranai no da. Haha wa magatta koshi ni kuwa o tori, koe o katsuide, semai niwa no sumizumi made mo tagayashite hatake ni shite ita. Byounin no musuko ni shinsen na yasai o ataetai dake no isshin datta.

Shokumotsu o nerau neko to ningen no kankei mo, aikyou no nai arasoi ni tenka shite kiteiru koto o zannen nagara mitomenai wake niwa ikanakatta. Nanika toraretemo mukashi no you ni, waratte sumashite iru koto ga dekigatakunatte kite ita. Bougai sareru yoru no suimin jikan no sanjuppun ni shite mo, kanojora ni totte wa mukashi no sanjuppun dewa nakatta. Byounin no watashi ga kuroneko no noranekoburi ga ki ni itta kara nado to, mochidaseru yochi wa nai no de aru. Sore ni ichido kou korashimerarereba kayatsu mo koriru darou, to iu watashi no kangae nado mo kangaetemireba amai to iwanakereba naranakatta. Kayatsu wa muron sonna shinmyou na yatsu dewa nai darou.

Gogo, watashi wa kimari no ansei jikan o tori, nemuru to mo nashi ni sukoshi nemutta. Tsuma wa haikyuubutsu o tori ni itte tema dotte kaette kita. Watashi wa sameru to sugu ni mata neko no koto o omotta. Haha wa tenki no iihi no rei de kyou mo yahari ichinichi niwa ni dete tsuchiijiri shite iru rashikatta. Watashi wa mimi o sumashita ga, niwa niwa izen sorerashii oto wa nani mo shinakatta. Tsuma wa nikai e agatte kuru to suguni itta.

"Okkasan, mou shimatsu o nasuttan desu ne. Ima kaette kite, bashou no shita o hyoito mitara, mushiro de kurun de atte, ashi no saki ga chotto deteite "

Tsuma wa mirubekarazaru mono o mita to iu you na kao o shiteita.

Haha wa donna shudan o totta mono darou. Roujin no kanjou wa toki toshite hidoku moroi ga, toki toshite wa mukandou de mukanjou de aru. Haha wa roujin rashii heikisa de shori shita mono de arou. Sore ni shite mo kare wa sono saigo no toki ni oite sae, gyaa' tomo sakebanakatta no darou ka? izure ni shite mo watashi ga nemuri, tsuma ga tsukai ni dete rusu de atta no wa saiwai de atta. Haha ga wazawaza sono jikan o eranda no datta ka mo shirenai ga.

Higuregata, haha wa chotto ie ni inakatta. Soshite sono toki wa bashou no shita no komo no tsutsumi mo nakunatte ita.

Tsuginohi kara watashi wa mata ima made no you ni mainichi juugofun ka nijuppun ate hiatari no ii niwa ni deta. Kuroneko wa inakunatte, hikutsu na yatsura dake ga nosonoso haimawatte ita. Sore wa itsu ni nattara naoru ka wakaranu watashi no byouki no you ni taikutsu de guretsu datta. Watashi wa ima made ijou ni karera o nikumi hajimeta no de aru.

(2006. 9. 2)